Finally Speaking Up!

We.Feel.Weather

Today.

This is where my writing journey begins.

I sit here on this sunny Thursday afternoon, waiting for my son to arrive back from a night at his dad’s house. I’ve just installed Quillspace, with an aim to blog. This came about after many, many attempts at trying to make a living from home — which, let me tell you, at this moment in time feels absolutely impossible.

But I’m willing to give this a go if it means I can eventually work peacefully at home, without constantly worrying about childcare and school holidays. This world does not make it easy to be a parent. You’re expected to look after someone else’s business and give up your whole self, often with no benefits — not even a thank you or a smile.

After a while, constantly giving everything and receiving nothing back starts to weigh heavy.

That kind of environment slowly teaches you to shrink yourself without even noticing.

I’ve spent many years overthinking. Becoming worked up by my thoughts, thinking to myself, “Gosh, why is it so difficult for me to say what I’m thinking out loud?”

Yet what I say in my head makes complete sense, and even sounds intellectual — of my own kind of intellectualness at least.

My overthinking has kept me in a stale state of negatives, which has completely submerged into ruining my life. There is probably a psychological word for this, I’m sure — I just don’t know what it is.

With overthinking and constantly putting myself down, believing my opinions are just a piece of dust compared to the rest of the world, I began to feel like my words, my feelings, my life meant — and mean — nothing. Whenever I speak to people, it feels like a heavy burden to put them through, trying to explain how I feel, what’s going on in my life, and why I am the way I am.

Today, I start my journey.

Because I know there is someone out there who also feels numb, exhausted, and senses a deep feeling of nothingness. I struggle with life. I’m an introvert who believes their existence means nothing. I’m here to do what the earth cycle and governed society asks of me, and there seem to be limitations on being free — a freedom I deeply want, but cannot find a true way to gain.

“Computer says NO!” essentially.

We all daydream about what could be. Unfortunately for me, this feels impossible. With expectations and responsibilities, my life does not feel like my own.

I FEEL TRAPPED.

CAGED.

IMPRISONED.

DISCARDED.

We all have a story to tell — and one I will no longer shut up about.

For too long I’ve been made to feel worthless. My opinions, my values, and my boundaries have meant nothing. By writing these blogs, I hope someone else reads this and feels less alone in their own story and journey — navigating an incredible loneliness that’s hard to put into words when everything gets too much.

So essentially, my blogs will be about my life — what I’ve experienced. I’m not here to judge, dictate, teach, or educate. I’m simply sharing my life without noise, without judgement, in a safe space.

I want a voice. I’m ready to speak out about all the things that have been in my making. I’m exhausted, beaten, and numb, and I need someone to listen (or read).

And if this helps you on your journey to also feel heard, please know I’m here — with virtual hugs and hand holds — quietly listening, absorbing, and holding space with empathy.

Quietly Sharing,

Tina